


dead man's thoughts

by Rouhn



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: 4x09, Angst, CS deleted scene, CSSB, CSSB17, Captain Swan - Freeform, Deleted Scenes, Gen, Heartless - Freeform, Hurt, Missing Scene, cs, fall - Freeform, season4, seeking comfort, whatif
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 04:17:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12380733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rouhn/pseuds/Rouhn
Summary: a deleted scene from episode 4x09 “Fall” taking place between Gold telling Killian that he will die the next morning and Emma and Killian’s tearful goodbye kiss at the sheriff station





	dead man's thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> here is my story for the CSSB17 - the incredible artwork is from @liloproductions
> 
> thanks to my beta reader(s) @spacewhales and @hookedonapirate for your help with this
> 
> the whole book with lots and lots of incredible stories and artworks can be found on: 
> 
> https://www.yumpu.com/en/document/view/59451187/complete-cssb

  
  


_"But by morning, all should be complete, including your life. Now run along, dearie, and enjoy your last day in this or any land."_

  
  


Killian stared at the Crocodile in shock. Oh how much he wanted to take a car and escape this bloody town. Take his Swan and her son and drive until they were far enough to build a new, safe life.

  
  


But it was impossible--impossible to leave the town at all but also impossible for Emma to leave her parents, her friends, and her new found home. Besides, he wouldn't be safe as the Crocodile still had his heart and he would crush it no matter where he was.

  
  


Killian went to the docks - the only place where he felt free. The sea always calmed him - even without his heart he felt somewhat calmer, more peaceful. He watched the horizon, watched the waves crashing soundly against the stonewall in the distance.

  
  


Killian thought about his past life, about the changes in his life ever since he met Emma two years ago. It was love at first sight even when he didn't admit it instantly.

  
  


He ran a hand through his disheveled hair. The gods always were in his favour but now it seemed as if his long life had come to an end. If it wasn't a citizen of Storybrooke who ended his life this night, it would be the bloody Crocodile in the morning.

  
  


There was no way out and he finally had to accept his fate. He drowned a big amount of his rum. The burn in his throat was a welcome distraction to the dullness in his heart. He never was someone of big feelings. Of course, he was more the romantic type but he never let his emotions lead him, always aware if he gave in just one single time he could lose control, the battle, and his life.

  
  


But now he wasn't in control. He lost control over himself a few days ago because he thought so little of himself and feared he’d become the man he once was and tonight, _tonight_ he would turn into that man again. But it didn’t matter because in a few hours he would turn into the heartless, cruel pirate he was for decades.

  
  


How much did he want to find Emma, to tell her how much he loved her, how much she meant to him? No matter if she ran away afterwards, if she built up her walls again, it was worth a try. She was his everything.

  
  


Not even Milah awoke these feelings in him. It was as if he knew her all along. He - Captain Hook - was thinking about settling down. He traded his beloved ship for his Swan. The Jolly Roger - his most precious treasure, the one item that connected he and Liam - was his home, it was not just a vehicle. It was his pride and joy.

  
  


But it was a small price for a future with Emma. A future he could clearly picture - three little pirates fighting in the garden in front of their house, his little princess in Emma's arms. Maybe a dog lying on the porch watching the kids.

  
  


A big house house filled with love and kids and laughter. A home he wanted to build with Emma - nearby the sea, big enough for all of them and even guests. A room for Henry - the lad would always be welcome.

  
  


He swallowed thickly. Henry had been so optimistic this morning - as always - he was convinced one of his moms would find a solution, but this time neither of Storybrooke's heroes believed in a happy ending.

  
  


A loud noise startled him, he looked up only to see a car passing by.

  
  


Who was he kidding? He was a villain once, how could he possibly think about a happy ending and a future like that? He placed his right hand above the spot his heart should beat in his chest, but there was nothing.

  
  


It felt weird not to feel his own heartbeat - not to feel as much as normal. It wasn't that he felt nothing at all, it was just as if he was feeling everything through a filter.

  
  


Killian got up and walked towards the beach. He needed to clear his head, needed to stretch his feet.

  
  


He would lose everything. He took a deep breath, thinking about an hour ago, the guilt he felt was not as strong as it should be but it was there. Looking into the Blue Fairy's eyes while the hat sucked her in was devastating.

  
  


The irritation, the betrayal, the realisation about what was happening was more than painful. But it was nothing compared to the moment Emma stepped into the diner.

  
  


It was as if someone turned a knife into his chest. He was lucky that he didn't get caught - it was just coincidence that he was standing next to the door and saw them coming. It was just luck that he was fast enough to hide behind the counter. He was lucky, that they didn't check the diner after Emma's suggestion that the Snow Queen was responsible for the mess.

  
  


He never felt more helpless and ashamed in his life before and he had done many things he wasn't proud of.  He killed so many people - tortured them just to get information.

  
  


He humiliated so many people in his life, did so many things for money. He wasn't always a gentleman and a pirate who lived by a code. There was a time where he was reckless, fearless, and willing to do anything for the right price.

  
  


He turned around and suddenly saw his Swan walking into the police station with Elsa and another couple.

  
  


A big smile appeared on his face.

  
  


He was so proud of his lost girl. So proud of his beautiful, stubborn, wonderful girlfriend. Was it accurate to call her his girlfriend? It didn't even matter, in a few hours she wouldn't be his or anyone's girlfriend anymore.

  
  


He didn't doubt her ability to survive, but the odds were against her. Too many former villains and other ruthless people lived in this normally quiet and peaceful village.

  
  


He took a deep breath again and walked towards the police station. He needed to see her one last time, he needed to tell her how much he loved her, how much he longed for a life together.

  
  


He decided to apologise to her - apologise for not being the man she deserved, the man she used to see in him. He thought about the right words and what he also wanted to tell her.

  
  


He wished she could see herself through his eyes, just once - she would see a beautiful, strong, independent woman. A woman who used to be lonely and was left by everyone she ever trusted in her life but now is strong and loved by her newfound family.

  
  


He hated himself for leaving her too, for letting her down like everyone else has. He never wanted to be the one to leave, always swore to himself to stay by her side as long as she wanted him.   

  
  


Suddenly he stopped, unsure if he should walk on, unsure if he should see her again. She seemed busy but also calm. She didn't seem to be missing anything. His brave Swan, a true leader and hero, always knew how to make the right decisions.

  
  


She was with her parents now, with her family - the ones she trusted, the ones she loved. He didn't want to interrupt, didn't want to invade on these last moments with her loved ones.

  
  


Who was he kidding, It was selfish to go over there, it was selfish to think that Emma would want him to say good bye. It was just his wish to see, to touch, to feel her again. One last time, imprinting her memory in his brain.

  
  


She would be his last thought - she would be the only thought next to the guilt which ate him up. He always told her to trust - but he didn't trust himself, didn't believe in himself and so he didn't see the truth and he failed. He failed himself and he failed Emma - he failed everyone who believed in him.

  
  


Without noticing, he had walked all the way to the  front of the police station, his hand working on its own accord, opening the door slowly. He stepped inside and was suddenly enveloped by the familiar smell of coffee, the lemon fragrance of the polish, and the typical musty smell of the old building itself.

  
  


He took a deep breath and followed the voices, waiting for the right moment to step around the corner.

  
  


_"We don't fear your magic, Emma. It's what's gonna allow you to take on the Snow Queen and win."_

  
  


Hook couldn't stop himself, a  smile appeared on his face. He adored Snow White’s enthusiasm, he was grateful that she was always full of hope. He couldn't see her or the others, but hearing her encourage her daughter was relieving.

  
  


_"And when you do, you'll be right back here unlocking these doors."_

  
  


David's words rang in his ears. He raised an eyebrow, now curious what was going on around the corner. But before he could think about any possible reason for David's words he heard Snow White’s voice again.

  
  


_"We trust you. And Henry's right,you are special, and you are going to use that especialness to save both of you."_

  
  


Yes his Swan was special - the product of True Love - she was pure, she was strong, she was everything. He closed his eyes, thinking about how strong Emma was in comparison to himself.

  
  


_"You have wonderful parents, Emma."_

  
  


_"I know."_

  
  


Now or never, he needed to do it now or leave without even trying. He took a deep breath and stepped forward.

  
  


"Swan? A word."

 


End file.
